Ah, I wish I could edit this into the OP, silly edit time limits.
I found a
download for 5.8.9.827 and it works! In case anyone has this problem and hasn't read the steps elsewhere, here it goes:
1. Purge your system of whatever activeperl you have installed.
2. Install the 5.8 version.
3. Either:
3. a. Rename your install folder. OR
3. b. Copy perl58.dll and perl5.8.9.exe out of perl\bin\ to somewhere safe, then delete the perl folder.
4. Install the 5.10 version.
5. Copy the perl58.dll and perl5.8.9.exe files that came out of the old perl\bin\ into your new perl\bin folder.
6. Copy perl510.lib in perl\lib\CORE\ and name it to perl514.lib.
7. Do that other stuff with the ppm command that the guide I linked to tells you to do.
8. Yay!