Yeah I'm not quite sure what happened. I just know that when I ran the query as-is, it failed on the very first line. At first I replaced ALL the backticks with single quotes, which did cause massive non-escaped character issues, as well as non-matches since some NPC character names actually do have backticks rather than quotes.
For whatever reason, removing the backticks from only the UPDATE lines worked. I don't know if it's because I have an outdated version of Heidi or what. I will say that I am generally used to not using backticks for the table and field names, except when something could be misinterpreted as an SQL keyword ("range" comes to mind).
Upshot: if it works for others out of the box, awesome. I just had to goose it a little on my side.
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